#8 What To Be

One quirk of weddings is they almost always require the officiant to make the couple say some variation of “I do.” In last week’s ceremony, it would be a misdemeanor if I hadn’t. 

In my own vows, I promised I would always take out the trash. Four years in, I’m about 99.9% compliant on this (but we make a lot of trash, so that 0.1% equals more than a few dozen eye-rolls in my direction on her way to the bins).

I’m pretty sure I can keep compliance above 98%, before death or me being annoying does us part. But it begs the question, why say you’re going to do anything? 

In management, there’s the popular adage to “under-promise and over-deliver.” Self-explanatory.

Meanwhile, in pitch decks and consumer marketing, it’s popular to do the opposite: over-promise and under-deliver. I’ve never understood why startups need to feel like they’re changing the world, or why basic baby toys want to say less plastic gets your kids into Harvard.

I do think all the talk about promises misses a really important distinction: Are you taking out the trash because you said you would? Or, are you taking out the trash because you are the kind of person who takes out trash?

E.g., is it what you said, or is it who you are? 

Atomic Habits by James Clear is one of those books I hate to admit I like. It’s pop nonfiction with pop psych and pop business. Like Adam Grant and Brené Brown finally opened Malcom Gladwell’s orgy invite. (Sorry, James.)

But in the words of one C-Something I admire, “Snark doesn’t scale.”  So, forget that orgy joke and hear me out. It’s a decent book, and if you haven’t read it in a while, I recommend a good skim.  

One part that doesn’t get enough talk is when Clear says there’s three levels of motivation for anything. (1) You care about the outcome, (2) you care about the process or (3) your identity is that thing.

E.g., you can exercise because you want to get skinny; or because you like exercising; or because you are a person who stays fit.

This concept should probably be its own book.

Remember word clouds? I’ve always imagined if you made one out of every Harvard Business Review, the most commonly recurring words would be “BUY NOW,” and then “CHANGE MANAGEMENT.” 

The first is because it’s not a very good business rag if it can’t sell you something, and the second because change management is the single most common activity of large organization leaders in all industries. 

And change management DOES have plenty of books. 

Thousands. So I won’t go to deep here. But from a comms seat (which is THE tool of change management), I can tell you over two decades the largest and hardest changes I’ve ever had to help execute were only successful when we helped the teams involved see the change as different people they were becoming.

I’m saying good internal comms does NOT focus on different outcomes or goals, and NOT on different activities or action. Instead, internal comms for change management has the much harder goal of pushing workers see themselves as different people. This is a very big deal.

It’s also why I’ve always advised against letting your teams use Myers-Briggs, or Enneagrams, or any other personality test. MB sells itself as a good group exercise to give people insight about themselves and empathy for teammates, but the reality is, personality tests give us something to anchor our identity to. Something comfy that makes resisting change that much easier.

By letting ourselves or our people care about who a test says we are, we distract ourselves from thinking about who we can become.

What does it mean to become?

One living philosopher worth reading is Agnes Callard, and not for the dense academic prose. Instead, because she’s one of the few living or dead to really approach the idea of aspiration. Becoming.

How do you become someone? 

An easy way to think about Callard’s idea is anyone who wants to be a parent thinks they have an idea of what it’s like, but they don’t. And what they find on the other side is still an ever-changing identity. She also separates aspiration from ambition. Ambition is about outcomes, aspiration is for becoming.

Ambition: “I want to be rich.”

Aspiration: “I want to become a person who works hard and constantly pushes forward.”

Spoiler alert on which of those works better: #2 by a billion dollars.

Disclaimer for you, I think Callard’s writing kinda sucks. She’s one of those thinkers who makes you feel like she’s trying to convince herself more than you.

What she does in 300 pages, I think Hunter S. Thompson nailed pretty well when he wrote to a friend in 1958, “we don't strive to be firemen, we do not strive to be bankers, nor policemen, nor doctors. WE STRIVE TO BE OURSELVES."

He continues: “I don’t mean that we can’t BE firemen, bankers, or doctors— but that we must make the goal conform to the individual, rather than make the individual conform to the goal.”

I’ve always liked that version, for two reasons. 

1. Thompson writes to entertain. You, and clearly himself.

2. He seems to really grasp that all of us can be currently be ourselves, yet still strive to become ourselves.

You can be you, and with some effort you can be more you.

Now, I’d be a worse version of me to think I know any answers to becoming a better version of you, but I do have two recommendations to meekly offer from experience. 

1. Get comfortable seeing yourself as a work in progress.

One of my biggest regrets in life: how many years I spent thinking “I am just bad at math." This once cost me a 3-year mistake by my CPA. (Guess who pays for those.) Today, I may not be so fast at mental math as your CFO, but it turns out reading and understanding math is literally what seventh graders do. So a few dense financial reports is not that hard, especially when you think about how much NOT knowing it could cost you.

Someday, diving deep into financial reports becomes fun. I have some friends who are career auditors, and that’s a funny career to be jealous of. I wish their firms had a Take-your-ski-buddy-to-work Day.

The same with everything else. If your story about yourself includes what you can’t do, you’ll definitely never do it.

2. Keep friends who are better than you.

For some reason, I’ve always inherently done this. When I look around my friends (and fortunately, clients), they aren’t just successful professionally and happy personally—they are people of strong character.

Guess what I’ve stolen from each of them? The good stuff! (And a small passion for boat ownership which I also recommend to you.)

Just this morning, I texted a friend for quick advice on a professional situation. Reason: I think of her as person fluent in class and grace. Do I aspire to be her, or become like her? I dunno, I just imagine the best version of myself is someone who treats his friends and clients the way she treats hers. 

Mohnish Pabrai has controversially talked about the importance of letting mediocre friends fade, and keeping only the highest of character. There's also a theory that each of us is a walking mixture of the 5 people we spend the most of our time with. 

Choose your five wisely. I do think there's some wiggle room to include the books we read, but since 40% of my 5 are under age 3, it does explain why I like naps more now. And Disney princesses.

Either way, getting anyone, including yourself—especially yourself—to imagine a better of themselves is the key to change management. What is identity besides a narrative you narrate and star in?

Add some other characters and don’t get trapped in a fear of math.

Like any tasteful thief, you can steal a friend trait here, swipe one there, and be constantly growing.  You can be becoming yourself.

You can become the kind of person who takes out the trash (or, incidentally, enjoys doing all of the dishes, too).

And do I think this is one secret to thriving in a life where constant change is the only guarantee?  

I DO.

Happy thanksgiving,
Jesse

PS: Thanksgiving in the US is a harvest festival of disputed origin, but it's worth noticing how many cultures have variations of harvest celebration. From Mid-Autumn Festival to Sukkot, Ponga, and (delicious) Oktoberfest. An oversimplification, but in my mind the common themes are pretty much always: (1) recognizing abundance, and (2) expressing gratitude.

I've mentioned this previously in another issue and said it in far too many toasts, but I do truly believe the best two words in the entire English language are “thank you.” Try it if you raise a glass this week—make your toast simply, “thank you.” I’ll be raising mine to you, because this newsletter has been so much fun. To work on so hard making it worth your time, and to hear from you as often as I do. (email me if you’re avoiding your in-laws right now). So thank you. Truly.  Thank you.

PSS: Share the mashed potatoes, share the Say Something. Here’s your link to pass the gravy!

Thanks again!
Jesse